Life Is..

Chile..

Not even gone hold y’all, I ain’t been on here in a good while. Life’s been quite alright. I really never have an honest answer when someone asks me how I’m doing.

I haven’t written anything in a while simply because I don’t know what to write about, but FUCK IT. Today I’m about to yap.

Okay, so boom.. (Y’all like how I did that 😂🤏🏾) As some of you may or may not know, I’m in grad school. I will be closing out my first semester soon, and let me just say it has been KICKING MY ASS. I’m taking three classes; in undergrad, I was taking four. They are: Law & Mass Media, Data Visualization, and Social Media.

I’ve been at an A in the data visualization class since the semester started. The social media class is an EASY ass class. I was sitting at a C, and this was only based on quiz grades. Now, let me preface this by saying I was not failing them damn quizzes, but if I even missed ONE maybe two questions, it would bring my grade down drastically. Even if I got a higher grade than the last, it would not move my overall grade much, which pissed me the hell off. Mind you, these counted as participation, so in my mind I’m like, why are they worth so much that they fucking with my grade, but I digress.

Now that law & mass media class was tearing my ass up! I was sitting at a C in that class too, shit a 79. And ya’ll know C’s do not fly in grad school, so me having two C’s and one A was fucking my head up. I wasn’t getting terrible grades on the assignments for this law class either. At the time, I got a B on an assignment, and the rest were C’s. Now granted, I know I played a very direct role in why points were taken off my assignments, and that’s due to my use of contractions such as “it’s, can’t, won’t”. He doesn’t play that contraction shit. Other than that, I felt like I would be hitting the mark on these assignments like deadass, thinking I did my big one, then he says otherwise. But for me, the issue was my professor’s feedback, which came off as rude rather than helpful and encouraging. I was already going through a tough time because I was experiencing imposter syndrome. I was feeling like I wasn’t meant to be in grad school, but I literally was; if it was not meant for me, I would have never been granted admission. The last straw for me was his feedback on an assignment that he later stated was meant to trick us.

So, I set up a meeting with him, and we were on the Teams meeting for about an hour. I told him straight up how I was feeling, that I was frustrated, my imposter syndrome, and that I feel like he is sometimes rude. He reassured me as well as apologized, and even said that this class might be the only hard class out of the entire program, and that he truly sees that I want to succeed in the course. After that meeting, I can truly say I have a better understanding of the course and him as an individual. Some stuff still trips me, though, but it’s okay. I even went as far as reaching out to a peer, and we encourage each other so we can make it to the finish line. (Shout out to Zoe!) So, as of now, I currently have two A’s and one B in my classes. Thankgyaa! Look at God.

Seasonal depression is steadily trying to creep up on me, but I’ve been taking my supplements to avoid it. I feel that it’s more of a grief feeling this time around. I hate grieving tbh, it just isn’t a good feeling. I started therapy, but I hadn’t been since my first session because the one after was canceled. (Let me not procrastinate & reschedule🫣)

Honestly, I do want to read the bible from the beginning to gain a better understanding that I hadn’t had before. I love God so much, and I just want to do everything I can to have an even closer relationship with him. I’m not living a bad life at all. I know I am blessed and protected. I just feel like “okay 🤷🏾‍♀️”. Everything is straight, but it could be better. I could be having a bad day, not a bad life. That’s what I need to remind myself every time something may go wrong.

Learning to give myself grace is so hard, especially when I’m the type to be hard on myself. I just want to take the time to be kinder to myself, to know that mistakes will be made, and to know that I have to find loopholes to get to my desired outcomes.

That’s it, chat. For now😏

To you all, Happy Holidays. Protect your peace, be kind to yourself. Know that you can always reach out if you need a listening ear, as y’all would do for me.

XOXO

- Yanna